Condren: Setting boundaries with manipulators

Dear Debra: My co-workers have gotten into the habit of taking advantage of my hard-working approach by constantly manipulating me into doing their jobs. I have trouble saying no. How can I set limits without getting into conflict or without coming across as, well, a bitch? — Spineless, 26


A: You’ve got to get comfortable saying no without fear of offending. One great way to learn this is to “bookend” something a co-worker won’t want to hear with a positive statement before it and after it. Don’t leave an opening for your co-worker to argue. Instead, be clear, to the point and firm. Example: Your co-worker asks you to attend, in her place, an after-work client schmoozing event. You say, “I can see why you’d like for someone to go in your place (positive spin), but it’s not a good fit for me. Good luck finding someone else.” The “good luck” says that your decision is final.

If she pressures you to reconsider, resist debating. Instead, simply restate what you’ve just said, slightly reframed, again without offering up a rationale that could invite her to continue arguing. Example: She cajoles you with, “Come on! You’ll connect with great people that others would kill to meet. Plus, it will really help me out.” Repeat your tactic of bookending your “no” with a positive spin: “Your connections are impressive, but it won’t work for me. Thanks anyway.”

Bullies often persist. She might ask, “Why won’t it work for you?” Don’t give a reason. Again, use bookends: “Thanks, but I’ll pass. Your offer is appreciated, though.” Repeat yourself two or three times if needed until she gives up. You’ll feel fine about saying no because, by using this technique, you won’t get sucked into a debate where your energy is depleted. You won’t end up feeling badly about yourself because your opponent out-talked you. Instead, you’ll walk away feeling calm, and happy that you preserved your right to set limits — and you did it with integrity.

Dr. Debra Condren is a coach, speaker and author of “Ambition Is Not A Dirty Word” (Broadway). E-mail your burning questions to debra@ambitionisnotadirtyword.com.